access to love

Points to Consider When Communicating, Part 2

Last week we looked at 7 of the 21 points to consider when communicating with your partner. How did you do? Did any of the 7 points resonate with the way you find yourself connecting with your partner or loved one? Here are 7 more points for you to consider this week as you continue your quest to improve your relationship and keep from setting those deadly no-win traps that you so often find yourselves in.

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Points to Consider When Communicating, Part 1

For those of you who are part of a couple, do you find yourselves doing things that help connect your partner to you with more love, or do you find that either of you might be setting deadly traps that can hurt you both? Consider the following.

Over the next three weeks, we’re going to look at some points to consider when communicating.   

1. When communicating, are your words used more to express what you are really feeling, or hide what you are feeling?
2. When you go to talk to your partner, do you carefully weigh what you are going to say, or do you just say what’s on your mind?
   
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First Aid Kit for Nagging - What to do when you feel crabby!

For all those times when you feel impatient with those closest to you, consider doing the following:

In the event you feel you just can't shake being snappy, write down all the people you seem to be most harmonious with. Next to their names, write what you really want to see happen in those relationships and what "seems" to take place. Quite often, we tend t treat others under the blanket of the belief we have about them, such as "You always seem to squelch my ideas" or "You never listen to what I have to say." Quite often, when you find yourself snappy or crabby with someone, you feel deep down that you have no power with them or somewhere else in your life and you are displacing anger onto them because of that. This especially happens when you feel you can't talk to them about what is REALLY bothering you.

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The Gift of Being Who You Really Are

After all is said and done, the best stress reducer in the long run is being your “real self.” That way, you aren’t constantly giving yourself away to the point of exhaustion by trying to please others at the exclusion of your own needs. It’s one thing to give up who you are, and it’s another to “give of” who you are. Knowing the difference and recognizing when you are being authentic versus when you are being “someone else” can truly affect the quality of your life and those around you even more than you realize. Take a moment and think about what percent of the time you are really being you and what percent of the time you are putting up a facade, covering up your true feelings and thoughts.

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Should You Go Back to Him?

Escaping the No-Win Trap of Dead End Relationships

“A Second Chance at Love or Heartbreak, Knowing When to Try Again or To Just let Go”

In this complex day and age of relationships, it can be very confusing to know when to fully let go of someone we and when to give it another chance. When do you go back and try again with the same person?

There are many scenarios with various outcomes regarding instances where a couple has divorced or broken up, and met sometime later to find themselves living to the tune of “living happily ever after” versus wishing they had never tried again.

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Financial No-Win Traps

As the country is inundated with issues around real estate, mortgages and interest rates right now, each of us has to do everything we can to stay out of the no-win trap of getting in over our head regarding money and loans. 

The number 1 way to get out of no win traps regarding your finances is to get help sooner rather than later. If you are concerned about where you stand with your mortgage, money and finances right now, please turn to the chattering moneys exercise to help you make a decision regarding what you need to do.

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7 No-Win Traps for Mothers to Watch Out For

Reprinted from a 2004 magazine article

The major point and gist being made here, is that while we like to think we are evolving into a more authentic and self actualized society of people, we still have a very long way to go in terms of the mixed messages we tell our children, and in particular, our daughters. We are still overly teaching our daughters to seek approval from others rather than being committed to being their genuine selves; and as women, we are doing the same. As a psychotherapist and the mother of a 16 year old daughter, I realize we have girls who are much higher spirited and insistent on being who they really are than we ever were (no matter how many bras we might have burned).

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Poem: Stuck in the Web of the Double-Bind, Again

Here I go.
I’m sinking fast.
I feel I’m stuck in old times passed.
I cannot move.
I cannot stay.
That’s how I feel throughout the day.

 

My feet are stuck in deep cement.
When I speak up, I just lament.
I know my words fall on deaf ears.
I’m so alone with all my fears.

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Getting Ready for Your Teen’s Emerging Attitude

There are many situations in life we can never fully prepare for. Being the parent of someone who is going from “child” to “teen” to “adult” is one of them. No matter how many books you read or stories you hear concerning “hormonal change at puberty” or how someone’s own son or daughter went from “nice person to monster overnight,” there is nothing like having compassion and understanding for this “part-way metamorphosis” until it happens to you – I was no exception. 

Before my own daughter turned 14, I found it relatively easy to tell overwhelmed and devastated parents, who came into my office because they couldn’t get their emerging teen to get off the phone, agree on a curfew or show them “some respect” that this was just a sign of a developmental phase not much different from when their child turned two. While this may very well have been the case, on some level, I was leaving out a very important piece to consider.
 

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Quick-Check Chattering Monkeys Exercise

For Getting Out of or Staying Out of No-Win Traps

Now that we’ve gone through no-win traps at work and how to avoid them, we are now moving on to solutions … which can sometimes be easier said than done.

For those of you who are in a dilemma and have to make a decision, but none of the answers seem to work for you, please email us with your situations and we’ll be happy to get back to you with some possible solutions.

Sometimes it helps to get an outsider’s point of view to help you come up with options you might not think of on your own. The important part is to ask people who aren’t part of the problem, but part of the solution.

Here is a quick list of things to consider when you don’t know how to get through a situation that is difficult for you.

Consider the following points as you contemplate what to do in a no-win trap dilemma, or a situation that could easily develop into one:

1. Consider your issues. Pick the one you’re most committed to following through on all the way at this time.
2. What ways can you deal with it? Think of at least three. This will help you see you have options.
3. What is the best that could happen? Play your thoughts all the way out in your mind.
4. What is the worst that could happen? Play your thoughts all the way out in your mind.
5. Is there someone or a service you could consult? Make good use of outside input. Remember that the final decision is up to you.
6. Consider your overall plan to resolve this situation, while making allowances for contingencies and feedback from others. Remember, what you ultimately think is what counts.
7. Decide if you’ll act now or later, or do nothing. Sometimes just standing back for a while is the best thing.
8. Calm our mind with positive self-statements such as, “I can deal calmly and effectively with the consequences of this decision.
9. Surround yourself with supportive people and organizations that can help provide structure while you make changes and move on to new things in life. Create a list of names and phone numbers of people you can call upon.

Once you’ve gone through all of the above nine steps, decide what you’ll focus on next, beyond your no-win trap dilemma, and keep that focus as much as possible. Dwelling on your problems all the time can often do more harm than good. Do all that you can do then let some help and answers come to you. In the long run, what really counts is the inner belief that you’ll find an effective and positive way to get through and out of your situation.

Until next time, live each day so tomorrow is easier to wake up to...

Barb

Send your no win traps, questions and comments to babsberg@earthlink.com and we'll get back to you with an answer. Want to read all about no-win traps, double binds and how to avoid them? Be sure to check out my book, How to Escape the No-Win Trap, and my other products, available on my website at http://www.barbaraberg.com/products.html